Our boys are TWO!!

It's been far too long, dear blog of ours. I've missed you so!! I'll start off exactly one year from my last entry...

Two years ago I met three of the four most amazing people I have ever laid my eyes on. I'll never forget the entirety of that day, meeting life and death all at once. I remember the smells and the sounds, and especially how funny it was that I was waiting for my c-section in the exact same room we waited in while I was pregnant with Lilah, after being induced - kind of wishing I could go back and talk to the person I was, 3 years before, laying in that same spot. Waiting there, 3 times as pregnant as the last time, scared and nervous and not ready to meet my babies, I had no idea what these 3 boys were about to teach me. That there is a plan and that God doesn't make mistakes, that a mother's (father's) love is endless and knows no time or distance and can't tell the difference between life and death. Not to take any time for granted, especially the hard times. To love like there is no tomorrow, and that it's important to feel joy in times when it feels like there is nothing but everything to worry about. My children have taught me how to create happiness in the midst of the deepest kind of sorrow, without cancelling it out all together, because it's important to feel that, too. How these kids were born SO wise, I will never understand. But I am so, so impossibly grateful for these precious and fleeting 2 years with my boys!! Happy 2nd Birthday Nash, Jude and Lincoln!!!! We love you like CRAZY!!! 

Happy birthday to my three sweet boys!

Happy 1st Birthday to my gorgeous triplet boys, here and in heaven!!! Mama loves you with everything she's got. A year ago today, I met two miracles with a warriors fight in them, and a beautiful angel who I'll hold for eternity in my heart. Nash and Lincoln, you inspire me on a daily basis with your strength and absolute joy for life. I watch you explore and learn and I burst at each of your endless full faced smiles. Jude, I feel you here with us every single day, and we feel so fortunate that we are able to see you grow in each of your brothers. We miss you desperately, but are thankful for everything you left us with, and are so grateful for your strong presence in our lives. I don't know if I'll ever get used to looking up and seeing two, when in my heart I feel all three of you. Happy Birthday sweet boys    Thank you for all the joy and adventure you brought to our lives in the last year!!

HOLY SMOKES!! I have literally attempted every single month to write about Nash and Lincoln's growth and amazing progress in their young little lives. I have draft posts from each month, each with just a line or two written to start, and then…nothing. I'm trying to figure out why or how I let that happen, but it must be so deeply rooted in my subconscious that I can't find the reason! I write about our loss often enough, and maybe that's because it stems from a great need and desire to try and sort through my thoughts on the most troubling times in our life. All day long from wake-up to bed time, it's all about my gorgeous, darling kiddos. Then bedtime hits and I finally get that breathing room to let those other thoughts drift in, and then I sit and ponder and writing about it is the only thing that helps to get my mind past it. But I won't let this month slip by like the others…this month, my triplets turn ONE!!!

It's incredibly hard to believe that we are 1 year past Jude's death. And that we are just a few days (few days?! Last time I checked I had a couple weeks!!) away from their FIRST BIRTHDAAAAYYY!!! I am freaking out a little bit. Almost a year ago, I was SO pregnant at 27 weeks (sooo pregnant…) but happily so, and very much looking forward to weeks and weeks more of pregnancy because it meant that my little guys could grow safely on the inside. But within a few days, it will have been decided that there was actually more risk keeping them in, than trying to grow them on the outside. In a few days, exactly one year ago, Dr. J will have walked into my hospital room/home away from home a short while after my morning ultrasound, while I take some of the first few bites of my cheerios that morning, and the first words out of her mouth would be, "How would you like to meet your babies today?". There are no words to describe all that I felt in that moment. I felt EVERYTHING in that moment.

And today, Nash and Lincoln are thriving. They will be one year old, though developmentally and size wise they're at 9 months, their adjusted age. Both of them are sporting two beautiful bottom teeth, each enjoy all food in front of them and eating more than their big sister at every meal, both are ma/pa/da/ya/ba/ta/ga/ahh-ing (real words so far, whether they realize it or not: mama, dada, ate - sister in filipino, yay…or rather, YAAAAAYYYYY) both are crawling EVERYWHERE and getting into everything (Lincoln on his hands and knees, Nash is very efficient at his army crawl), both are sitting themselves up, and pulling themselves up to standing, and Lincoln is cruising his way around all the furniture he can prop himself up on, though Nash isn't far behind. The shenanigans have already begun, and they use each other for climbing practice and step stools to get to things beyond their reach (the step stool thing isn't always a mutual agreement just yet…). They sit on each others heads, get limbs tangled up and twisted, steal each others' toys, but they smile at each other, make the other laugh, lean in for kisses and hugs and pats on the back (and smacks on the face). They keep each other company while I prepare their morning bottles. They love each other, and it's so obvious it hurts.

Lilah has also grown leaps and bounds in the last year. The thing I regret most is not taking daily mental notes of how quickly she's changed in the last while. Weeks will go by and then I realize I hardly recognize this beautiful, changing person in front of me. She. Is. Incredible. I am astounded at her maturity, her beauty, her caring heart and loving soul, at how exceedingly smart she is. This girl is a WHIP. Her brain moves so quickly that I can't keep up most times, and she's always hungry for more to learn and experience. And thinking of how she's grown into her role as a big sister makes me cry. She is the most amazing big sister any little brother could ever ask for. She shares almost all of her toys with her little brothers (even things I thought she'd never part with) and doesn't mind when they put her things in their mouth. If they have something of hers, she'll 'ta ta ta' them and - most of the time - gently pull it away and give them something else to play with instead, saying, "Here brother, you can play with this thing. That's a good idea." Now that they're standing up and getting more and more into her space, she's starting to show that she'd appreciate a little distance from time to time, like when she's getting serious with her arts and crafts. But I have a feeling that it will quickly pass as time goes on and we have more opportunities to explain to her why they're so interested, and she realizes how awesome it is to have two little people in your world who want to hang out and play with you all day long. I can't wait for their relationships to develop on that level. Things are going to get even MORE fun around here ;)

Balloon Release 2014

We released balloons on Jude's Angel Day, and it was perfect. It was beautiful.

But there are many things about that day that took place that I hadn't anticipated, and they are playing over and over again in my mind. Our sweet boy made himself present in so many ways. So here's how we began a new series of traditions for Jude's Day.

By the time we actually started making our way to do the balloon release, it was 4:45pm and the sun was already setting. I was feeling pressure to get it done before the sun set so that we could get some beautiful pictures of the release. But it just wasn't in the cards, so I let it go and wanted to make the best of it - I didn't want to make myself feel guilty that we hadn't done something a certain way. And had it happened the way I thought I wanted it to, perhaps we would have missed all that was to come for us that night. 

Mommy hadn't planned very well before we left, and so all of the kiddos were either tired, hungry or both. There was no way we'd have a peaceful time if we didn't stop to feed everyone first! So this begins the first of our traditions on Jude's Day - going out to eat together, just us. It's not something we do often at all, but every attempt we've made has been successful, so we've been lucky. That night was something special though. Something felt different. I felt so much love and peace sitting down and eating with my gorgeous family, I felt 'whole' and I knew that our sweet boy was there with all of us as we all sat with each other. That warm, comforting feeling he brings to a room when I know he is present was definitely there. That was sign #1.

We knew that our balloons were going to sail off in the dark that night, so we thought we'd at least find a fun spot to bring Lilah to so that she could enjoy her evening. After dinner, Noel had the idea of heading to Confederation Park for the Christmas lights, and for a moment I wondered if they were even on anymore…but with a quick google search we discovered that January 8th was the last day these lights were going to be up for all to see :) And of course they don't turn the lights on until after dark, so if we'd gone to release our balloons earlier, we would have missed them. That was our sign #2.

When we arrived at the park, instantly I felt that overwhelmingly comforting feeling all over again. Jude was there with us, too. It was beautiful there! Lilah was mesmerized by the lights and I was so thankful that papa had the idea to come here. We walked around, enjoying the lights and music, and within the first few minutes we were stopped by a family that noticed we had two babies strapped to us. They said that 13 years ago, they'd done the same thing with their two - they had identical twin sons, and then 3 children after that - including a girl a little older than Lilah, so they played while we chatted. We had the opportunity to talk about Jude and our loss to total strangers, and the reason we were wandering around on a cold, dark night with a bunch of balloons. That was sign #3.

After our lovely chat, we kept on our way checking out all the lights, keeping on the lookout for a nice little spot to do our balloon release. Noel was ahead of Lilah and I while I tended to her 'ooing and ahhing' at the lights and all of her 'hey guys, look at this!' moments. And then he called out, 'hey babe, I think I found the spot'. Lilah and I walked closer and then I saw it. Three giant stockings lit up in thousands of Christmas lights, and underneath, tonnes of little snow angels decorated the sparkling white stuff beneath our feet. I was in tears it was so perfect! Something in three's, and those snow angels - they took my breath away. It was like Jude had planted one himself, and the rest were there to tell us that he was ok and had lots of special friends in heaven. That was sign #4.

We gathered underneath the giant lit stockings, and pulled out the pen I brought to write notes on our balloons. Originally, I thought we were going to attach the little notes that we and friends and family had written for Jude, but Noel wanted to keep them and I had no reason to argue. In fact, it worked out much better this way. By the time we started writing on the balloons, they had started to lose a lot of their helium because it was so darn cold out. They were floating enough, but barely enough on their own, never mind carrying any sort of load. Noel and I wrote with tears in our eyes. Lilah wrote a little scribble note all over her balloon to Jude, and Nash and Lincoln left a simple 'We love you brother'. And off we sent them. The wind took them sideways at first and behind a big wooden shed, so we had to run ahead and catch a glimpse of them as they floated away. It was dark, so I wasn't able to catch a good photo of the balloons in the sky, but it was also freezing…and after already being out for so long, those balloons didn't stand a chance. In the distance we could see that they were starting to fall, slowly, but definitely falling…even Lilah noticed it, "oh no!! They're falling! They're not going to heaven!!", to which we replied, "oh no honey, they're not falling, they're just…getting farther and farther away! When you can't see them anymore that means they went to heaven for Jude!". Sweet thing. So much concern. So thankful for the giggles she provided us with during a moment that I would have otherwise been sobbing. I'm not certain she believed us, she was pretty convinced that they were dropping, and they sure were, but I hope the magic was still there for her. So I'm glad we didn't attach the notes - they would have ended up in someone's back yard. Maybe they would have anyway, but if they'd gone way up into the sky first, the illusion would have been different. Anyway, as we released the balloons, "I Got You Babe" was playing over the park speakers. I am familiar with the song, but not the lyrics, so I looked those up - and sure, in many ways I am able to spin it so that it could be a special song that Jude came through in ;) This was sign # 5. I'm taking it as him showing his quirkiness, a part of his personality that we will never know earth-side, but I am so thankful that he's able to give us that glimpse.

I would have loved to release floating lanterns, but they're illegal to release here…and now I know why. That wind would have taken the lanterns and blown them sideways, landing on someone's roof and catching fire. Still I dream of a better option. Isn't there something out there that isn't a balloon that will freeze or cause potentially hazardous litter, that doesn't have flame, but will still float into the sky and cause no harm to it's surroundings? I'll be brainstorming for the next while…though the balloon release was beautiful and was everything it was meant to be for us that night.

We agreed that every year we would do exactly the same thing. It was so perfect, and so special not just for Jude, but for us and his brothers and sister, too. It was such a great spot, filled with great moments for extraordinary bonding, and I feel like it will get even more special as the years pass and our children grow. I can't believe Nash and Lincoln are almost one…more on that to come, promise ;)

Jude's First Angelversary

Today we remember my sweet baby boy, and I reminisce the moment that our souls collided when his left this earth and mine stayed behind to continue living for him and our beautiful surviving children. It suddenly seems strange that a life growing inside of you can die and not take you right along with it.

Today marks the first anniversary of Jude's passing, the anniversary of the morning that we last saw his heart beat, and then not, within 15 precious minutes. I didn't know it when it happened, but I'm fairly certain that I felt the exact moment that he left me. I was in an ultrasound and on my back and was suddenly so ill. I assumed it was because I was on my back, so I rolled over, but it kept getting worse. I turned ghost white, felt green, my heart was racing and I was sweating profusely while trying so hard to stay conscious and act like it wasn't a big deal although the ultrasound tech said I was looking awful and offered to get me something. Then, in an instant, my colour returned and all was well again. I rolled again to my back to continue my ultrasound, and a few minutes later we went back to our Baby B and he was gone. I think back and feel that it was like my soul was refusing to let him go, hanging on to him for dear life, already knowing the suffering we would endure without him and trying to spare me from it all by stretching out over my body like an impermeable membrane, thinking that surely it would be enough to keep him from leaving us. But he was so strong, and he had a plan and knew that he couldn't stay. I am thankful that I have that moment, as painful as it is, to remember when our souls collided and he took his journey to heaven. I pray that I will always remember as clearly this day as it happened exactly one year ago, but that time will allow the hurt and devastation to ease up a little bit. Today that hasn't happened yet, it still feels just like it did a year ago.

But today, though full of pain and heartache, there is something different. The sickening worry that we had for our surviving babies still in my tummy is gone. They are here, in front of me, playing and cooing. Learning, giggling and growing, perfect and…HERE. I can touch them and feel them, kiss them and talk to them, smile and receive smiles in return playing endless games of peek-a-boo, for the 23rd time and it still never gets old.

Today I am trying to stay focused on renewing my wonder as I stare upon them, all of my living children, in awe that they are here when so easily they could not be. Being so painfully aware of how fleeting life is often feels like a curse. But it's a blessing too, if you can spin it that way amidst the muddle of sorrow that such a loss brings to your life. My appreciation for their life is beyond comprehension. I am so grateful that they are here.

Once we've spent the morning and afternoon loving on each other, we're all going out with papa, just us, to release some balloons. We are going to attach notes and messages to the string and send them to heaven at sunset, watching them as they journey there. There are notes from us and Jude's family and friends here on earth that we've collected over the last year, mostly from his brothers' baptism where we set up a memory table and 'prayer flags' that we left for our guests to contribute if they wished.

Today, I pray that this brings some healing to our broken hearts.