We were visited by Dr. Keunen tonight during our New Years dinner in the family lounge, and he told us that there are no laser certified nurses available to do the surgery this evening, but that he feels the babies can't wait for Dr. Ryan any longer so it will be done until the morning. He himself will be performing the surgery in the morning, though I imagine that the other doctors qualified in fetal surgery will be there as well - to have as many eyes and heads working together on all of us. It's too bad that Dr. Ryan won't be here, but I trust Dr. Keunen and the other doctors very much. We agree that the babies can't wait. And perhaps there is some unknown reason that it would be better for Dr. Keunen to perform the surgery anyway. Who knows? When I met him on Saturday evening, I had a special feeling about him. He is very kind and soft spoken and took the time to scan me himself. He seems like a very gentle, careful man and I felt completely comfortable talking to him and asking questions. Maybe he's exactly the doctor we were intended to have perform the surgery all along, and it took Dr. Ryan's flight to be delayed multiple times in order for it to happen this way. In any case, all of this is now beyond our control and we have faith that God has a plan and that he will see us through.
I am fasting from midnight onward and will be prepped for the OR in the morning where Noel will be by my side. I had numerous melt downs as my family was leaving the hospital tonight. I feel like I've been holding back, trying to separate myself from the situation so as to not feel too much or become overwhelmed. I've been numb since Friday, just going through the motions and taking things one step at a time. Reading and researching as if it was for someone else and not for me and our babies. Completely depriving myself of any emotional attachment to our situation. But it finally hit me I think. All of this is happening to us, to our boys. It is our babies who are on hanging on by a thread, though fighting hard. I'm not scared for the surgery - I have complete trust in our doctors, and know in my heart that it just cannot wait any longer. If given the choice, I would have had this surgery a month or two ago. I am scared for the outcome. Scared that they may get in there and decide that things just aren't visible enough to perform the surgery safely. Scared that I may wake up in the morning and that it might already be too late.
I just want tomorrow to come and go as easily and simply as I can imagine it in my mind. I want the surgery to be much simpler than that doctors think it will be. I want to see the syndrome improve quickly, for our recipient twin's heart to beat normally, for our donor twin to move and swim freely like his brothers. For their fluid levels to balance out. I want to see this pregnancy through the next 6 weeks, and then once we're there, I want to see it through another 2-4 weeks or beyond. I want our boys to be born healthy, fat, and with as much life and fight as I can imagine for triplet brothers.
You all have no idea how thankful we are for your positive thoughts and prayers. They are a constant reminder to stay positive and to believe that everything will turn out ok. I will post an update as soon as I'm able.
Happy New Year!! I feel a whole bunch of new blessings heading our way.
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