27 Weeks

Yesterday we celebrated 27 weeks - it was bitter-sweet. On one hand, we've gained almost an entire month of being pregnant, which is incredible considering we had been told to prepare for the worst about half way through 23 weeks. Our babes have grown and developed leaps and bounds since then, and their odds if born now are most definitely in their favour. On the other hand, along the way we lost one of the little lives we'd been fighting so hard to keep all this time. I am so thankful to be here at 27 weeks, but I wish I could also say that we still had all three of our boys celebrating with us. I know that our little lost nugget is close by, and I bet he wants us to be celebrating just as we would have had we not lost him at all. After all, perhaps he did leave us to give his brothers the gift of life, and we should be rejoicing and thankful. And we are, but it's difficult. It's hard not to wonder if there could have been any other way.

I had just begun to get used to the idea of what our future was going to look like with three wild boys leaving a path of destruction wherever they wandered. I was just starting to feel safe and secure enough to hope and dream about what that was going to be like for us, and for them, and then it all changed. I am grieving the loss of one of our babies, and though it feels selfish, I am also grieving the loss of the unique experience we had been blessed with. I suppose our experience will always be unique and special and absolutely one of a kind, but just not in that way I thought it was going to be. Our triplets will always be triplets. Our boys will grow to know everything about their brother. I never want them to lose that connection with him. Two of them will be earth babies, and one is an angel baby. Our angel. Given to us at a time when we were trusting so deeply in the plan God has for us. So we will continue to trust. In the bigger picture, this must be a gift so enormously out of this world, that we just can't possibly comprehend exactly why it's so beautiful and special, and so perfectly meant for us.

Our babes looked great this morning during the ultrasound. Their dopplers and hearts are doing wonderfully. It's difficult not to worry when there are floating membranes and cords and limbs everywhere. But that's where I have to let the element of trust set in. I can't possibly control what's happening in there. I just have to believe that it will turn out ok, and that we will catch any stress in time to deliver them safely. They are constantly switching positions and trading spots and competing for the title of 'presenting twin'. It was sort of cute today, actually - our angel baby had floated down and took on the role of 'presenting' today. Noel and I looked at each other and smiled. We both think he was trying to get down there and block the exit for his brothers. Such a smart little guy :) I'm pretty sure that by the end of the scan, he had been bumped out and off to the side again.

Later in the afternoon, the nurses tried twice do get a decent NST for our two babes (a total of 2 hours!) but they were the least cooperative they've ever been. I love it when they move around like that (though it makes me worried about cord entanglement), and we all think it's hilarious...for the most part. But it's exhausting for all of us involved in trying to get a good recording for a proper NST. In the end, they decided that my uterus had enough poking and probing and that it would be best to just wait until our 2nd NST tonight. I was having some pretty insane contractions (still not painful) but definitely stronger than any I've felt to date. They started to come on even stronger (some were off the charts, literally!) and much more frequently, so when the sheet started to look like rugged, mountainous terrain, they called it quits. I needed a giant nap after all of that anyway.

My belly has been feeling pretty good aside from the contracting and heaviness. My round ligaments (I think?) and back have quite a hard time supporting this load, so I don't make a habit of standing at all, except to shower. Everything else, I do sitting or lying down. I occasionally take a trip to the kitchen just across from my door to grab water, but on days like today where I'm contracting a tonne, I think I have to suck it up and ask the nurses to grab me something. They offer all day long to get me stuff - but I still haven't been able to feel comfortable in letting them do that for me. If I'm serious about staying pregnant as long as possible, I have to let go of that and let them help me. My cervix is a definite point of concern, as it's shortened now to .6cm. I don't think we'll check again for another week unless there are other significant changes, and I'm happy for that. I like to pretend that it's still long and strong in hopes that I can change it with positive thinking. If we checked for length all the time, I would become incredibly paranoid.

And I've been waiting to say this for a long time - I finally have some stretch marks to show for this pregnancy! So far it's just a few lines to the left of my belly button. It's like a badge of honour, acknowledgment for all the hard work my uterus and stomach have done thus far. Actually that sounds kind of insane, but I'm proud of them, few as they may be. They're sort of like a tattoo, a constant reminder of this special time in our lives.