loving differently

I often think back to our first appointment with the perinatologist, and of her offer to reduce our twins who were suffering from TTTS to give our singleton a better chance at survival. While I know that this would be an option for many, and I completely understand how difficult it would be and am sensitive towards the parents who must make this heart breaking decision...it turns my stomach to think that we were given the choice to lose two babies in all of this. Of course I can look back now and know for certain that we made the right decision because we have more living, perfectly healthy babies than we would have had if we decided to reduce. But we got really, really lucky given our circumstance. Many parents don't. If we had lost all three due to even earlier preterm birth as a result of the TTTS? I would always blame myself and the decision we made and wonder if we could have at least kept one had we not tried to keep all three. I say that as if reduction would have been an option for us, though I know in my heart of hearts that we could never have made that decision.

I am so thankful for our boys, every single moment of every single day. I now know what loss feels like, and I know that this feeling could have been multiplied by two, or even 3, and I haven't taken it for granted for a single moment that it wasn't. I cry tears of joy at how lucky we are to have our sweet boys on a nearly daily basis. I wonder sometimes if moms who have lost babes love their children differently. Not to say that one would love their children more or less than the other at all, but just...differently. I love with an intense understanding of how precious and fragile life can be. I love, knowing that at any moment there could be loss. I love, believing that by giving love to my earth babies, my angel baby feels it just the same. I find that most times I can be more patient and compassionate because of this. I know for certain that I am a different mama and I mother differently having lost a child, and I wonder if others feel the same way.

I read a quote the other day that speaks exactly the way that I feel after losing Jude. I find it so amazing how words can come together to ease in so many different ways.

With life as short as a half-taken breath we should plant nothing but love.

- Rumi