HOLY SMOKES!! I have literally attempted every single month to write about Nash and Lincoln's growth and amazing progress in their young little lives. I have draft posts from each month, each with just a line or two written to start, and then…nothing. I'm trying to figure out why or how I let that happen, but it must be so deeply rooted in my subconscious that I can't find the reason! I write about our loss often enough, and maybe that's because it stems from a great need and desire to try and sort through my thoughts on the most troubling times in our life. All day long from wake-up to bed time, it's all about my gorgeous, darling kiddos. Then bedtime hits and I finally get that breathing room to let those other thoughts drift in, and then I sit and ponder and writing about it is the only thing that helps to get my mind past it. But I won't let this month slip by like the others…this month, my triplets turn ONE!!!

It's incredibly hard to believe that we are 1 year past Jude's death. And that we are just a few days (few days?! Last time I checked I had a couple weeks!!) away from their FIRST BIRTHDAAAAYYY!!! I am freaking out a little bit. Almost a year ago, I was SO pregnant at 27 weeks (sooo pregnant…) but happily so, and very much looking forward to weeks and weeks more of pregnancy because it meant that my little guys could grow safely on the inside. But within a few days, it will have been decided that there was actually more risk keeping them in, than trying to grow them on the outside. In a few days, exactly one year ago, Dr. J will have walked into my hospital room/home away from home a short while after my morning ultrasound, while I take some of the first few bites of my cheerios that morning, and the first words out of her mouth would be, "How would you like to meet your babies today?". There are no words to describe all that I felt in that moment. I felt EVERYTHING in that moment.

And today, Nash and Lincoln are thriving. They will be one year old, though developmentally and size wise they're at 9 months, their adjusted age. Both of them are sporting two beautiful bottom teeth, each enjoy all food in front of them and eating more than their big sister at every meal, both are ma/pa/da/ya/ba/ta/ga/ahh-ing (real words so far, whether they realize it or not: mama, dada, ate - sister in filipino, yay…or rather, YAAAAAYYYYY) both are crawling EVERYWHERE and getting into everything (Lincoln on his hands and knees, Nash is very efficient at his army crawl), both are sitting themselves up, and pulling themselves up to standing, and Lincoln is cruising his way around all the furniture he can prop himself up on, though Nash isn't far behind. The shenanigans have already begun, and they use each other for climbing practice and step stools to get to things beyond their reach (the step stool thing isn't always a mutual agreement just yet…). They sit on each others heads, get limbs tangled up and twisted, steal each others' toys, but they smile at each other, make the other laugh, lean in for kisses and hugs and pats on the back (and smacks on the face). They keep each other company while I prepare their morning bottles. They love each other, and it's so obvious it hurts.

Lilah has also grown leaps and bounds in the last year. The thing I regret most is not taking daily mental notes of how quickly she's changed in the last while. Weeks will go by and then I realize I hardly recognize this beautiful, changing person in front of me. She. Is. Incredible. I am astounded at her maturity, her beauty, her caring heart and loving soul, at how exceedingly smart she is. This girl is a WHIP. Her brain moves so quickly that I can't keep up most times, and she's always hungry for more to learn and experience. And thinking of how she's grown into her role as a big sister makes me cry. She is the most amazing big sister any little brother could ever ask for. She shares almost all of her toys with her little brothers (even things I thought she'd never part with) and doesn't mind when they put her things in their mouth. If they have something of hers, she'll 'ta ta ta' them and - most of the time - gently pull it away and give them something else to play with instead, saying, "Here brother, you can play with this thing. That's a good idea." Now that they're standing up and getting more and more into her space, she's starting to show that she'd appreciate a little distance from time to time, like when she's getting serious with her arts and crafts. But I have a feeling that it will quickly pass as time goes on and we have more opportunities to explain to her why they're so interested, and she realizes how awesome it is to have two little people in your world who want to hang out and play with you all day long. I can't wait for their relationships to develop on that level. Things are going to get even MORE fun around here ;)