I went in for our routine twice a week ultrasound yesterday morning, and our little boys are doing just fine with normal fluid levels and hearts and blood flow, all of them dancing around causing trouble as usual ;) Thank goodness!!
But I was totally taken off guard when I had the transvaginal portion of the exam. I noticed that the ultrasound tech couldn't get a cervical measurement of more than 1.8-2.0cm. I'd also noticed again what I'd seen in the last couple of transvaginal exams, what appeared to be funneling of my cervix. When I initially saw what I thought was funneling a couple weeks ago, I freaked out and expressed my fears to my mom/Noel while I was waiting to see the doctor following the ultrasound. Turned out to be a false alarm, and the doctor said my cervix was just fine and had normal length.
So today when I saw what I thought was funneling, I wasn't too worried, as I'd seen it before and they didn't ring any alarms. But those measurements...a cervix in the 'safe' range is between 3-5cm, which is where mine has always been thus far. I thought to myself that I'd better not freak myself out or anyone else for that matter as it's probably nothing, and so I waited to be seen by the perinatologist following the ultrasound, as usual.
He confirmed my fears. My cervix has indeed shorted by quite a bit over a very short period of time. Last week I was at 3.5cm, and now I'm down to 2 at maximum. And, it's funneling. He described what funneling was, which is exactly what I've been seeing for the last couple of weeks. So I'm confused now whether they somehow missed it even though it was incredibly obvious, or if because my cervix was still long that it was no cause for concern, or if maybe I wasn't really seeing funneling myself after all. I'm growing a little impatient with regards to respecting all the doctors' diagnosis' and trying not to challenge them and just trust that I am in the best possible hands. So I'm going to ask flat out tomorrow about this when I see my OB.
So following the ultrasound, they sent me to labour and delivery triage to have an internal exam. An OB resident confirmed again my shortened cervix, though it hasn't begun to dilate or efface, which is good news. I was given a shot of steroids to help the babies' lungs develop should things turn south quickly, though they said it's possible that the babies are still too gestationally young to receive any benefits from the steroids. Still, it's worth it to try just in case, and I get a second round of steroids tomorrow at the same time. I was also told by another OB that there's a possibility of me staying in the hospital for the next couple of weeks, through Christmas. I started crying, thinking about Lilah and not being with her. Never mind how difficult it would be during any other time of year, but Christmas. We haven't even gotten her picture with Santa yet. And how could I possibly miss her opening all her gifts from friends and family. Not to mention, it's Noel's birthday on Thursday. I was devastated, and frustrated that this pregnancy has limited me in so many ways so quickly, not just now but over the last few months too, robbing me of these precious moments with my daughter and husband before we became a family of 6. And then I cried for feeling of guilt, that I had been taking this pregnancy for granted and shouldn't have been up so much, that maybe if I'd rested more I could still be at home with her and Noel.
I'm 3 days shy of viability at 24 weeks. This is the most frightening thing of all. Even at 24 weeks, the chances of survival for babies this young are extremely low. I was told quietly and gently yesterday by the resident OB that if I delivered the babies this early, they would of course do everything they could, but we would very likely have to make some extremely difficult decisions. I had not prepared myself for any of this, not wanting to put myself through it twice in case something like this did happen. I always thought I'd be one of 'those' triplet pregnancies that made it to 36 weeks uneventfully, ignoring the stories and risks as I just didn't think it was going to happen to me. So, yesterday was another big shock in this roller coaster adventure.
I was admitted onto the antepartum unit at the hospital yesterday afternoon, I guess to monitor me through the two steroid shots, because they haven't done much else besides check the babies' heart rates, which are all normal. They are still kicking up a storm in there, so I hope they're oblivious to my worries at this point. I'm trying not to worry so much because I know it won't help a bit, but it's really difficult. Especially when you're stuck in the hospital, and no one really knows what the plan is or when/if/which OB I'll get to see come morning. I thought I'd be here overnight to be monitored for the potential of preterm labour given the circumstances. I've only slept 3 hours, woke to pee and haven't slept since and it's almost time for breakfast here. I'd much rather be waiting at home, if waiting is all I'm doing here right now, in my own bed with my own pillows and house sounds, breakfast when I wake up - not breakfast waking me
up, and my darling hubby and sweet daughter by my side. I miss them so much, and I'm just annoyed to be sleeping here instead of at home.
I asked a few times if I should be monitored for contractions, especially because I skipped early labour with my daughter and didn't feel a thing until I was 7cm dilated and in full blown active labour. I'm scared that I could be in early labour right now and just not notice it like last time. The nurses said that it's better to listen to my body rather than hook me up to a machine and worry me. OK. I completely agree with this 99% of the time. But given that I may not be feeling any contractions which could be causing the shortening cervix and funneling, shouldn't we just hook me up to see?! This is another thing I will request tomorrow if I'm not offered it first, and I'm getting monitored whether they like it or not.
Sheesh, this no sleep thing is getting me really fired up. I'm turning into one of those people who complain and whine about everything - I hated reading those stories on the Internet. People who seemed unappreciative of their care, of having to wait, thinking that they were priorities over everything else. Untrusting of their care providers, thinking they know more than their doctors do. I'm praying it's just lack of sleep that's putting me into a state of witchery.
I'm just so uncomfortable, I want my own bed so badly. My back and hips are already sore, the air is dry so my eyes are itchy and I'm constantly thirsty. I've got a mild headache that's driving me nuts, too. Pretty sure it's just exhaustion and this hospital bed. I just don't understand how they think this is acceptable treatment, especially for pregnant women already trying to manage with a great deal of discomfort. At least the shower was high pressure, hot and awesome! And I'm in a private room which is a huge bonus. I'm just angry at myself, and this bed, and that I'm not sleeping, and I miss Lilah and Noel. I miss my home. I want to sleep, but I also just want morning to come so I can stop trying to force it.
Well, I think breakfast will be here in 30-45 minutes. I'll pee and see if I can get some sleep in before they come.
Update: while I was peeing, a resident OB, Sarah, came to see me and calmed my fears and anger a little. She was really nice. We'll be monitored for uterine activity today, and will likely see some NICU nurses and possibly tour the nursery. I asked if they could tell me how long I might be here, and the answer was a little unclear, even though I asked twice. I guess they really can't say for sure, but at least until I get my next round of steroids...though she sort of made it sound like I'll be here for the long haul, like as in, as long as we can, kind of thing. She even told me that another woman on the unit has been here for 2 months and it's been an enormous gain for her babies, of course. Anyway I'm too exhausted to think of that more right now, we'll just wait and see how today goes and hope for no change or better yet, improvement in my cervical length and funneling. I would love to live out strict bed rest at home, though she said that I'm here right now in case things hit the fan. And yes, I suppose that does make sense. Maybe I can bring in my own bed...I'm getting wifi access today so at least I'll be successful turning my brain into mush while watching MTV.
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