December

IT CAME SO FAST! I am so not ready for this month to be here. And yet, here it is. Staring at me right in the face and telling me to get on with all the things I have planned to do this month. Things that I was supposed to start today, but didn't, and won't. Not today. But hopefully, tomorrow. Or the day after that. I have to remember not to put too much pressure on myself, that all of the things I had intended to do this month were either a purposeful and healthy distraction to keep my mind off of the painful anniversaries that are to come (so if I'm busy, then it's working I guess!) or meant to be giant, heart opening steps in the right direction towards healing and finding the light within my grief. I don't want this month to filled with deadlines and obligations, but I really, really, really do want to get all of the things I had planned to do, done. So since I am not going to have time tonight to really get started on much of anything (cute babies!! go to sleep!), I thought I would write them down instead.

1) Elf on the Shelf: This one is for Lilah. I accidentally started it on November 18th (she saw the box, and you can't unexplain something to a 3 year old, or ask them to wait 2 more weeks for the cool stuff to happen), so we've been at it for a while. It took her a few days to get used to the idea ("mommy, that elf is not real" haha!) but she's after him every morning now, excited to see what he's up to next. This is a daily project, last day on December 24th.

2) Capture Your Grief - December Edition: October was Pregnancy and Baby Loss Awareness Month. It had 31 days, and for each day, Carly Marie had a photographic subject/topic for you to concentrate on (again, no pressure) as a way to explore your grief and your loss, enabling your healing process. I think I managed to take one picture on the first day, and then didn't write about it...and then that was it. WELL! December also has 31 days, and December is also the month before we saw Jude's heart beat for the last time, so I feel like it will be a really important month for me to get through this project and in many ways, feel closer to my Jude as we come up to the anniversary of the day that he grew his wings. I have to remember that grief isn't perfect, and that it's ok for this project to not be perfect. That's really hard for me. If you are reading my blog, and want to participate in this project with me, please let me know and we'll connect and keep each other motivated :)

3) Gratitude: I am so ashamed to say that I still have not given out many thank you cards and birth/homecoming announcements for my boys. I can't explain the depth of guilt that I have been carrying for not doing this so much sooner. I've had photos since August, from their 'newborn' shoot 6 days after they came home (in May), and soon after that I had announcements printed. I kept putting it off, unsure of how to start, what to say, how to thank our friends, family, health care professionals who were involved in our pregnancy and beyond. My intense feelings of sorrow and joy, this complicated combination of grief and happiness, was all too overwhelming for me to try and process and find the right things to say. I also felt that I needed more answers before I wrote to some of these people, so that I knew for certain that what I was telling them was true, that all the stuff that happened beyond their care that they don't know about was explained carefully, accurately, and in a way that made sense. SO -- my hope was that I would have all of these cards written and mailed out before December hit so that I could focus on my other projects. I got a good chunk done, but not all of them. And none of them have been mailed. I feel like it's such an important part of my healing process to recognize and share my gratitude for these people, even if it's 11 months later. So I'm going to keep plugging away at it, giving it priority over my other projects if need be.

4) Christmas Advent Activity Countdown: Instead of opening up chocolates, Lilah opens up a little note each day of Advent to find an activity that we have planned for that day. This started today, and I'm sad to report that we did not get the 'write and mail a letter to Santa' finished. (what's with me and letters and mail, anyway??) I have chosen not to feel guilty about this, that we will do it when Lilah wakes up in the morning and then open up the activity for December 2nd and try and stick with it this time.

5) Last, but not least, all of this is also meant to help me find a way to blog regularly. I really would love to have a semi-consitant blogging routine.  Every time I write, I feel lighter. It's like I've taken the time to organize my thoughts and put them together in a way that makes sense. And once it's written down, I can let these thoughts go. Writing has and always will be a crucial part of our journey, and I keep coming back to it because I know how helpful it's been for me.

So….I MAY have overloaded myself a little bit with all of this. Considering December is also Papa's birthday, my best friends' birthday, and of course I have yet to start or even think about Christmas shopping. And trying to squeeze sleep in was difficult even without all of this going on. All things aside, I am still excited and motivated to try and accomplish all of these projects this December. Like I said, much of it is for distraction, and the rest is to assist me in my healing process. So it's all really important stuff. Wish me luck!