3 Weeks Postpartum

I documented the growth of my triplet belly, how could I not document the shrink? This post is a little overdue, I'm almost 4 weeks postpartum now (which means our little boys are almost 1 month old! what?!) but there hasn't been much change since these pictures were taken. I am always surprised at how much belly is still left (I think I had no belly left at all about 2 weeks after Lilah was born), but then I remind myself that it was home to three babies for just over 28 weeks. It's definitely shrinking, though slowly, but I don't mind. There are times that I look at my belly and am so proud of everything that my body did for our babies, and then I love this bump that I have left over. It's the other times, when I look at my belly and feel sad that we don't have all three, am reminded of what we lost, when I wish it wasn't there anymore. The times when we're out in public and people look at us and smile, no doubt thinking that we've got a gorgeous daughter and one on the way - those are times, too, when I wish it would just shrink faster. And how are they supposed to know? They are well meaning and happy for us. They have no idea the whirlwind of tragedy and miracles we've survived in the last 3 months. There are times when I just want to blurt out our story and let it go because it feels good to share some of the pain we experience, but also the joy in all that we still have and are so deeply, eternally thankful for. Other times I wish my belly didn't give any of our story away, that people wouldn't look and wonder or assume.

I haven't seen my doctor yet, but I'm almost positive that I have some amount of diastasis - the separation of the left and right side of your abdominal muscles. I'm not sure when this sort of thing is supposed to start healing a bit on its own, but right now I've got a gap of about 2-4 inches between my abdominal muscles and I wonder if that's partly why I can't keep my gut in! I can't imagine what my body would have endured had I continued to stay pregnant until 32 weeks - though of course I would have loved, loved, loooved to stay pregnant that long no matter the consequences. I have so much admiration for all you multiple mommies who keep those babies in there to term for your gestation!

My incision looks and feels like it's healing really well. The cut made on the skin was about 6 inches wide horizontally. I'm not really sure what happened on the inside, except that it involved cutting through several layers to get to my uterus. I googled it once to learn exactly what goes on in a c-section. It's equally amazing and terrifying. I can still feel lumps under my skin where the knots were made in the layers of stitching to put me back together again. It's an uneasy feeling to touch them and imagine what happened to my body, and I hope those lumps go away some day!

I'm learning to get used to my new body that was once home to three babies at the same time.  The new way that I walk and hold myself, proud of all the things it was able to do and miracles that it performed. One day (I think) this belly will be gone, and all that I will have to remember the physical of this experience will be my incision scar and my stretch marks. Those stretch marks that I longed for and earned so desperately. They will be there for the rest of my life, and I am so thankful for that. Thankful that when strangers no longer ask and wonder, I still have evidence in the flesh that this all really happened.